What God want vs what i want

I am still discovering as well. What God wants... pondering...Definitely God wants us to be people who have character . I hope to be one too. Recently this thing hit me real hard especially after attending the monday jamming. God is looking for both, spirit and skill. is not mutually exclusive.
I love the lord, therefore i want to improve my skill, not i want to play for service therefore i want to love the lord.
this become very real in me.
After the jamming, i went back home walking in the rain. Have anyoneof you trying to walk in the rain for 1/2 half purposely? I DID.. I walk in the rain for 1/2 hr , letting the raindrops fall on me as i worshipping the lord , with the rain drop hitting on my face, mixing together with the tears falling from my eyes. I have such burden.... something that i find hard to use any word to describe.
Once again, i sense God is with me. Just me and God, silently. no conversation, but just know that He is with me walking with me. He is aware of all my emotions, my feelings my thoughts. Like in Psalm 33 "

"he who at his dwelling place
watches all who is on earth"

he form the heart of all, and consider everything we do. He once again captivated my heart with his love.
How sweet the sound, the sound that you can only hear it when you trully put your heart in Him.
I love it, i yearn for it and i am addicted to it.

I just want to obey the lord as much as i can. For his grace have been so evident in my life.

God says in psalms"

"cast all you cares on him

he will will sustain you

he will not let the righteous falls."

This verse just give me such assurance, when i start to cast all my cares on him. he will take care.

Maybe some people will think that i am emotional, but I use it for the best. To enjoy Him in my life. Nothing wrong with being emotional, but is how and who you use it on? I choose to use it on HIM.


Btw... my sheep ask me what my criteria for my spouse in future.... it just make me laugh... cause i still remember Leanne told me hers that time and when i heard it.. i am like " MAn.... ONLY JESUS FITS IT lo"
hahah... its really funny...
Jasmine been asking me about this as well. I am not really Kam jeong over it yet .. there are still many things that i find more important than this area of my life.
But nevertheless, i started to think .. what i want... cause i dun want to end up with any Tom dick or harry... waa...... -.-''

Then i start to think through... and come up with this top 3 criteria

1) Passion , Burden and have vision in praise and worship
2) God Fearing
3) Faithful

I think this is what i have come to after thinking through.

Anyway, I am still so young... now all in me is to see my vision step by step coming to pass as i walk in obedience in God.


God is with me.

Learning from CPM

CPM has finally ended. It was a great experience in kallang theatre ministering to more then 2k people ( i think ).

Actually am not satisfied with what I have done in the CPM in term of supporting the WL and I think the CPM is not the standard that we all think it can be also ( that is what both me and jasmine think) The PnW is well done, but if the prayer part able to work well with the PnW part i think it will be great.
I told jasmine the reason why i want to join in theback up singers for the CPM Worship team. The reason is simple, i just want to put myself in the shoe of a support singer, so that i will understand from a role of a support singer. I realise a few thing:

1) Develop chemistry and coordination with the WL is important. So that we will feel safe in singing free worship .
- not that i am saying that we are not allowing room for holy spirit to prompt us what to sing. But i believe that we must do what is humanly possible as well.

2) Must trully personalise the songs.
- Dont think that no one will knows , God KNOWS!

3) Have fun on the stage.
- Not trying o perform to turn man's attention unto ourselves... but to inspire congregation to abandon themselves in praising God with all their might.


These are a few things that i learned. Though only been a support singer for once, but is a good experience for me ultimately. Hopefully to have more chance also to be exposed to such a big setting and events so that i can build myeslf towards that stature as well.

Definitely all these things are what i learn when i am called to function in the role. But there are certain thing that I learn as well when i am on the stage leading.
Some questions came across my mind :

1) " Nel , do you trully meant every single words that you sang in the song? "
2) " Nel , do you trully have love and compassion towards the congregation that you are leading during the praise and worship?"
3) " Nel , Do you trully believe that worship can be powerful tool for evangelism?"


All these questions just pop up when i am dancing and singing on the stage. what leaves in me the deepest impression is actually the 2nd question.
" do i really love the people that i am leading , in the praise and worship session?"
Worship leader is like a pastoral leader as well, every week we are feeding the truth to them just that we have music accompanied to it while preacher dont .
It really struck me and caught me thinking. I seriously dont think that i am there or anywhere near there at all. The more i think about this question, the more i realise the disgusting weakness that i have in my life. The more i think about this question, the more i think what ever i give to the lord when i lead in saturday service is FAR FAR off what God have actually destined worship to be every time when we start blowing or playing our instrument , when we start opening our mouth to sing . -- Man meet God, Life changed.
I just love psalm 51. david wrote this psalm when nathan confronted him about this adultery with bathesheba. from this psalm you know that he met God and his sincere repentence and because of this, he realise how much God love him cause of his unfailing love.
Man are sinful people, we need not always tell or nag at people how sinful they are( not that we shouldnt preach about sin , we shd , cause jesus preach it too!) cause when they meet God, God's holiness will contrast out the sinfulness of man, but yet we dont feel condemned because we realise that what is fall short is add up by the very blood of Jesus. Because of Jesus we are make righteous again. when we experience the presence of God and understand the redemption purpose of christ, gratefulness filled up our very heart.

Thats the power of praise and worship. Not because that I love music, but because its biblical. Levites are the frontline people during battle. I dont think any one of us when during battle will put all the lame, injured or mental problem people infront of the battle line right? if we able to understand this simple logic, i think God is way way way wiser then us. =)
If that is the way God operate when fighting a war, then is important for me to take it seriously and fight this spiritual warfare well.

Now what i trully want to focus on is trully love the congregation , servanthood attitude.

may God's strength be with me. The joy of the lord is my strength. =)

My adventure with God in Thailand.( a super long entry)

There are so many things that have happened these few days.. its really a adventure with God. So many things that i really hope to blog out but yet somehow..... dunno where to start from. so i decided to start from what happened on saturday ...

4th Nov

Decided to give a miss to the parachute band worship workshop... arrgghh... actually, i really hope to go but i know what is much more important to me at this moment. I decided to stay at home and wait upon the lord for a rhema word and also assurance. In fact .. i am full of FEAR then faith for the worship in the evening service. Thurs rehearsal was a BOoo Boo.. alot of unsure and etc... Muah cannot come for rehearsal also... No acoustic Guitar was a NO NO for me... I feel so handicapped..... seriously.. on top of that.. i am still pretty much affected by the remarks that i recieved on tuesday ( i blogged in previous entry) I feel so inadequate actually.. i cannot help but filled with fear. But yet... in my heart .. i can sense that God whisper his assurance in me..i am not trying to be cliche yet... i really can sense and hear his whisper in my heart... its like he is telling me this --- " Nel, dont trust in what you have, trust is what I CAN GIVE" on thursday..
On saturday morning, I choose to stay at home.. spending time worshipping and praying for a word from HIM. ( btw.. i am down with Flu that time) Just when i am praying.. i felt that ZZZZZ monster was calling my name.... feel like sleeping ( is actually 1pm that time and fyi .. i have meeting at 230pm) aarrrhh..... i know i cannot sleep..i really need God assurance... SO I DECIDED TO LIE down and pray... hahah .....
Just at that split second when i lie down and pray.. God spoke to me....
Wine and water.. the parable abt jesus turn the water into wine... abt God can turn defeat into victory.. when we believe.. God is mighty...
At that moment.. i am indeed filled with awe.......................................................
the praise and worship turn out to be a blessing to the church.. techincally speaking.. we are rather... erm.. not that professional.. BUT GOD VISITED us indeed.. the worship is indeed spirit filled. funny thing is this.. when i am down with flu and cough.. alvin come and tell me at the end of the service that my singing improves tremendously.. I AM LIKE... WOW.... Must be God... and i know is HIM.. i am very sure abt that... God show me what is like when we learn t ohumble ourselves... God can do much more through our life... obedience is together with humility. when we are obedience, humility comes along...start with obedience for those who find it hard to be humble.. God will create situation to help us to be humble because he knows that no matter what we will obey throughout the moulding process.
God is indeed amazing...

Oh btw... i got a card from Jovin that is written by Wayne in parachute band.. haha. its like wayne wrote a card to me personally .... SO HAPPY!! hahah.. but what he wrote in the card strikes me.. It goes :

Worship + seek God = God will make your private cry public...
first place.. i need to cry more privately ( i dun mean literally " cry" ,if you are wondering ) God wil make my life a public instrument to declare his glory more.

5th Nov:

Have a great time with Huimei .. cause we share the same room. She is one funny person actually. Dont see her like quite quiet.. she is one joker too.. Love talking to her and sharing tots abt ministry... Btw... we stay in this mansion called the rhoampo mansion... WAA... is one haunted mansion i think.. when i walk across the pathway.. i can sense that " thing" hahah.. there is a BIG hole on the ceiling of the bathroom somemore. me and huimei was thinking whether will there be a head coming down from that hole while we bathe halfway a not actually...... arh.... so we decided not to lock the door when we bathe.. hahahaha. =P
In the afternoon we went to this MBK... we bought a lot of stuff there... yeah!! deceided not to buy anything for anyone.. not that i MEOW... but.. i realise that if i buy one.. i have to buy MANY...wow... hmm... maybe during christmas they will receive my gift then.. haha ( sorry peeps!)
At night... we went back to the eerie room... and i realise that i forget to bring my journal!! so sad..... so i decided to write in my notebook first...
i really love writing journal now...........

6th Nov

Woke up at 7am thai time ... wore my newly bought orange t-shirt.. which i am super duper proud of.. hahah.. i just loved it.. btw.. i look like one big orange... cause my blusher is orange colour and coincidentally.. my hair is orange colour too.. haha... ( that what xueting call me in the trip.. orange..... wondering when can i get out of being a family member of fruits?? ")
We went to the lobby where we take a coach to Kanchanaburi.. met auntie connie at the lobby there... and she is like so surprise to see me and she tell me something
" wow Nel... NI SHOU LE ( you slim down) NI ZAI JIAN FEI SHI MA? " hahaha
this really make my day!!! =)

reached kanchanaburi in 2hrs plus time... this is really one peaceful place to be.. haha... we are surrounded by .. RIVER.. yeah... and .... NOTHING ELSE.... heeh....... -.-
Ok.. there goes my mood to tour ard the place during free time.............

This time round the conference is on " DOMINION church" about authority... influence. the first preaching from pastor PN hit me alot... I can hear God's whisper in my heart again this time. I cant help.. but keep me pondering throughout the whole day.
I went back to the room after the first teaching, still in the pondering mode.
The room was great.. have a great time "LANing" in the room.. during the freeslot in the first day... Leanne they all went for death railway.. i decided not to... haha... lazy to go out in the afternoon actually...( btw.. i same room as leanne and huimei)

Night time . our buffet dinner was whole stretch of thai food.
actually duirng this LC.. one thing that i find myself hated the most is - NET working" for those who dunno what is net working... means that i am to get to know people from all ard other hope churches... TELL YOU.. i really dun like net work... not that i shy or what.... just find myself hard to do it.. like very fake like that.... But through out the LC... i decided to do it.. cause i know my vision is to go around the churches to help out in praise and worship.. i really need to take it seriously... SO... i decided to sit down with ..................... the AFRICANS.. =)
Lerato and hendry are the representative of that country.. have a great talk with lerato the wife of hendry. She told me abt her ministry over at johannesberg( hope i spell correctly) and as we talk... she tell me that her church do not have a worship band for very long time.. they uses CD to worship in service... AT THAT MOMENT.. my eyes widen and i starred at her with my mouth wide open........... and she asked me.. so what i do ?I told her my role in church office.. and i told her i am also a WL in service and inchrage of vocalist and praise and worship in church level.. and she look at me .. the same way i look at her when she told me abt her ministry earlier on... and she told me " I think i saw you somewhere before... i've seen you lead worship before" i am like... ???? when? maybe God gave her a vision?? hahaha... she ask me to help her in worship in her country... i am really thrilled when i heard that... maybe in 2007 .. will go over there with some of the musicians to help out. But first and foremost... we must improved first. =)

At night., the preaching was great. the pnw was GREAT. thai team is really anointed.. can sense God spirit so filled in their team. How i wish we can reach that too. take alot of my surrendering life. At the responding time...
God hit me real hard this time. pastor Simon talked abt who is fearful of what God have told us to do.. something holding us back. some fear and doubt that we holding unto.. At that moment i can sense that whisper in my heart again. I can sense God telling me something about what he going to do through me internationally through praise and worship ( at this moment i am writing this in humility.. i know is impossible with me.. but with God.. i humbly pray that it will be done) I can sense that God is telling me that have faith in Him.. He is calling me to believe and surrender to Him as he have great plan for me, we can be a channel of blessing to many.
My vision of worship evangelism... equipping churches with worship is very much confronted by God.. but i ask myself this question.. why i want to do it... i really want to make sure my motivation is not self gain.. great influence must come with christ like character... is not a easy journey.
I responded anyway... i went to the front to be prayed for ... I ask God to help me in my life... make him so real in my life... that live a life that is trustworthy enough.

the end of the respond...I rush back to the room.. i really literally rushed back... ( cause my eye liner smurged all ard my eye and face cause i think cried too much during the altar call.. heeeh)

back to my room... i continue to ponder....what God have spoke to me....

7th Nov

We really have very very good breakfast !!buffet style.. i ate alot of sausage and ham... i discipline myself from pancakes etc.. ahaha... low carbo..
teaching as usual hit me alot.... the whole session of teaching hit me real hard abt one thing " great dominion can only be gained by people with great character " not without sin.. but blameless before Him.
Have lunch with Pastor Simon...! I asked him a few question
and i come to a realisation that singapore is the biggest church in hope movement beside bangkok and we hold the largest share of the world... cause alot of countries are under us. I am happy... and previledge at the same time.. but yet at the same time sad too.. We are the largest.. but yet.. we are not that big either.. we are only 2.9k people ... but because of this .. it makes me rtealise that how big our role is in singapore.
Much is given to us.. therefore much is expected of us too..
therefore we must do well and improve.. we are holding such a vital and crucial role.

after meeting up with pastor simon. i met up with pastor prayuht.. he is the main worship leader in chrage of whole hope thailand. Asked him a few question and indeed God answer me what i need and want to know. I teared when i talking to him.. i cant help but sense the whole urgency to see worship ministry to grow in hope singapore. Other countries are waiting for us to help them too... no time to lose

dinner, i talked with this hope serdung lady call erica. really have a wonderful chat with her. hope her ministry grow from here.

At night.. me and the rest went for a walk and photo taking ard the place.. have a great time walking with veron, leanne, xueting , huimei and also david chan..
David chan is one BIG JOKER.. he created a song for me.. called the eye liner song.. its hilarious... btw.. he suan me from the beginning of the trip to the end of trip.... waa.... he seriously is one big lamer...

8th Nov.

last day conf .. met up with Allen from hong kong.. asking them abt their worship ministry. really spur me on to do greatly thing .. they only for 2 years, but they already have a dvd cut. is not abt the dvd.. but yet it does show something abt the quality. i believe Hope singapore can do it soon also.
During lunch get to know Ann and David from Hope portland.. they just got married.. through Hope... hahah.. God is really a provider... Ann is a Thai and David is a taiwanese.. they serving God fervently together.. and funny thing is.. this trip is actually their honey moon trip... wow... how visionary can this couple gets?honey moon during LC.. wow... one day mine will be like this too.. hahahah..... but i dun really prefer cross country... caucasian maybe i will still consider.. haha.. someone like Joel houston? praying for God to give me someone that have the same vision as me. so that together we can accomplish much more.
waiting for that day.... =)

The whole LC indeed widen my vision and also my extend of influence. I realise that i can influence more then i can ever imagine. Like Lerato and Ann and erica. Really hope to visit johannesburg soon... to help them with the worship.
My vision is coming to pass bit by bit,but my life need to catch up soon.

In the evening... we went to another side of the kanchanaburi to stay.. the place is situated near the river. the scenery infront is really nice... peaceful .. especially at night... cooling.. have a nice chat with lennon... i think thru this trip i get to know him more. believe that this brother can do more for God. Btw.. we saw a eating plant swimming across the river actually... in the beginning we could figure out what is that thing that swimming around... cause its too dark at night.. untill it swims infront of a stilt house and we realise its a plant! so cool!! ( me and lennon tot it might be some crocodile or maybe anacondia ) heeehhhh....
we went to a nearby restaurant to eat and we buy alot of food to eat .. haha.. mango sticky rice is really nice.
we went for a long fellowship at night also.

9th Nov

Nothing much to write abt.. cause we went shopping.. and i am not really a person we love shopping.. so .. nothing much to write liao....


In summary,
This trip is really a wonderful trip to be...
great time with the leaders... great time hearing from God.
When God call us, God is not looking at what we have, but God is going according to the plan that he planned for us. If its what God says.. with obedient heart... Humble attitude. God will make it come to past in our life.
I know God have spoke.. now is time for my life to speak what he spoke to me in my heart, to the world.